kyle

i was working at a bar about 5 1/2 years ago after returning from an ill-fated attempt at living back in LA. my favourite bar had launched an amazing dance party and one of my besties and i were off to dance our little asses off. i was actually living at my grandparents' WITH my mom in a single bed...not really relevant, just wanted some of your sympathy.

i saw him floating around the bar, laughing and talking to everyone, especially the girls of course. he was impossible to miss---tall, dark and handsome---and i turned to lily and asked who he was. "oh my god", she laughed, "he's the male version of you." indeed, i could see the social butterfly/flirt in me reflected by him.

being 23, and a gutsy little one at that, i went right up to him and poked him with my finger till he turned around. "hi", i said, "i'm ___, and you've met your match." he was intrigued, and within the hour we were making out in the alley behind the bar (nothing but class, ladies and gentlemen).

we hung out for about a month, really just spending our time in bed, laughing and, well, you know-ing, and laughing some more. i don't even remember exactly how it ended---i think just an unreturned text or 2. i heard through the incredibly short toronto grapevine that he'd met someone, then they broke up, then he moved to australia.

one night at work, he appeared as if from nowhere. i knew he was back, due to the miracles of facebook, and he and i had always bantered on there. he was drunk, at my bar, saying vaguely inappropriate things...and all i could think was, "hmmm..." i was definitely still interested.

back he came a week or so later, and this time we both kinda insinuated that a reunion beer was in order. now, i am not 23 anymore. i am way more bruised and battered, and cautious and careful...i am also no longer just looking for a good time. i hope, every date i go on, that yes i will have fun, but also that there will be a real connection. that we will laugh and there will be sexual tension and a meeting of the minds and similar relationship goals...and this seemed like a real possibility here. he mentioned his last relationship ending because "she wasn't the future mrs. _____" which told me he was looking for something serious.

we began what seemed like proper grown up dating, for two ridiculous flirts like us. excellent banter, ridiculous sex, and due to very different schedules, i didn't feel like i was losing myself in it. there were definitely things i disliked right away but no one's perfect and i really thought we were compatible in most ways. but after a couple months, i could feel him pulling away. he wasn't making time for me in his understandably busy schedule, and i clammed up as a result. after not seeing him for a couple weeks (except once when he came into my work, got drunk, and hit on every girl around), we got together to break up. it was actually the most mature break up i have ever had, totally amicable and friendly...

but the questions left behind unanswered haunt me. i'm a "why" person. i can better accept bad news or undesirable tasks if i understand why they exist. and i just don't get it. i don't understand why it didn't work, why he didn't want to make it work. when he said he just didn't have time for me, i responded "if you were crazy about me, you would make time". he hesitatingly agreed. so why wasn't he crazy about me?

and this is where i am right now. i am constantly assured by everyone i know that i am a catch. i am independent, fun, pretty enough, smart, i score low on the crazy scale...so why? why have none of these men thought me good enough to fall for?

three weeks in toronto

i met him at an after hours. i was sober, having just finished work. he wasn't, but wasn't after hours drunk, either. when i first bounced in, i didn't even notice him. i went straight for my friends i was there for, two of my lovely friend-men. having not noticed this stranger in my vicinity/beside me, and always being 100% myself to these two lovely gentlemen, i was full on ME. after some laughing and gesticulating and motor boating, i saw him. cute! i introduced myself, and made a quick quip of some kind. he left to pee or whatever and i asked my friend "is he actually cute? it's too dark to know" "yes, he is very handsome. and very nice. but shy, so you will have to make the first move" "ugh, forget it." awhile later, this guy and i got to talking, and had a really amazing conversation, esPECIALly for an after hours. after some torment by his idiot friends, he kissed me. we kissed more outside, and he told me how much he loved my mouth, what a great kisser i was, and how he just HAD to get my information, all of it. he texted 36 hours later, wanting to hang. the only night we could was THAT night. we had an amazing dinner, a perfect walk, a fantastic curbside kiss before he got in the cab. a couple days later he was at my place of work, which i was covertly informed of, and appeared. awkward. he went away for the weekend, and i sent a this-is-when-i-can-hang-what-about-you text. basic response. and then nothing.

i met him at my bar. he sat there with a friend, one i had served the night before and remembered, who drank rye and coke. luckily, he chose rye and water, and had a beard. i could tell he was looking at me...i could also tell he was a douchebag. meh, beggars can't be choosers and nothing like a 12 hour shift and some whiskey thrown in with good ol' rejection to make me overlook some major flaws. like the company he kept. and his mediocre tip. and, once we were seated at the bar downstairs, he borderline ignored me, showing me just enough attention to keep mine. we left the building and made out nearby. the sheer skill of his hands and mouth simultaneously turned me on and scared the shit out of me. i fought every urge in my body, and refused to go home with him---thank god for not shaving my legs, that's all i gotta say. some playful texting, and a promise to hang out soon.

we work together, he's new, and i have caught him looking at me. an easy target, but also the quiet one. we flirt when he's done, taking advantage of my free shots for staff policy. extended liquor licenses were thrown in the exhaustion/tipsy/rejection pile and before i know it he seemed like a real good idea. awkward kisses followed by awful sex and a sudden good bye. oops.

i was texting the douchebag, considering going there (i could use his razor/as if he'd notice). gossiping in the lobby, a few boys walked by. one of them caught my eye, i caught his and i said, not quietly at all to my coworker, "i want that one" and followed him. i found him, and asked where he was going, and led him to the bar. some giggles and shots later, we were chatting in a booth. he was funny, self deprecating, works in a kitchen. has the necessary beard to overcompensate for his short stature. some strange straight forwardness was happening. i went through my deal breaker list (he passes on all counts) and a cute kiss was snuck in. I led him out of the building and a half block away, where we smoked (he smokes! yay!) and kissed and giggled...he called me actually physically CALLED me two days later and wants to cook me dinner.