kyle

i was working at a bar about 5 1/2 years ago after returning from an ill-fated attempt at living back in LA. my favourite bar had launched an amazing dance party and one of my besties and i were off to dance our little asses off. i was actually living at my grandparents' WITH my mom in a single bed...not really relevant, just wanted some of your sympathy.

i saw him floating around the bar, laughing and talking to everyone, especially the girls of course. he was impossible to miss---tall, dark and handsome---and i turned to lily and asked who he was. "oh my god", she laughed, "he's the male version of you." indeed, i could see the social butterfly/flirt in me reflected by him.

being 23, and a gutsy little one at that, i went right up to him and poked him with my finger till he turned around. "hi", i said, "i'm ___, and you've met your match." he was intrigued, and within the hour we were making out in the alley behind the bar (nothing but class, ladies and gentlemen).

we hung out for about a month, really just spending our time in bed, laughing and, well, you know-ing, and laughing some more. i don't even remember exactly how it ended---i think just an unreturned text or 2. i heard through the incredibly short toronto grapevine that he'd met someone, then they broke up, then he moved to australia.

one night at work, he appeared as if from nowhere. i knew he was back, due to the miracles of facebook, and he and i had always bantered on there. he was drunk, at my bar, saying vaguely inappropriate things...and all i could think was, "hmmm..." i was definitely still interested.

back he came a week or so later, and this time we both kinda insinuated that a reunion beer was in order. now, i am not 23 anymore. i am way more bruised and battered, and cautious and careful...i am also no longer just looking for a good time. i hope, every date i go on, that yes i will have fun, but also that there will be a real connection. that we will laugh and there will be sexual tension and a meeting of the minds and similar relationship goals...and this seemed like a real possibility here. he mentioned his last relationship ending because "she wasn't the future mrs. _____" which told me he was looking for something serious.

we began what seemed like proper grown up dating, for two ridiculous flirts like us. excellent banter, ridiculous sex, and due to very different schedules, i didn't feel like i was losing myself in it. there were definitely things i disliked right away but no one's perfect and i really thought we were compatible in most ways. but after a couple months, i could feel him pulling away. he wasn't making time for me in his understandably busy schedule, and i clammed up as a result. after not seeing him for a couple weeks (except once when he came into my work, got drunk, and hit on every girl around), we got together to break up. it was actually the most mature break up i have ever had, totally amicable and friendly...

but the questions left behind unanswered haunt me. i'm a "why" person. i can better accept bad news or undesirable tasks if i understand why they exist. and i just don't get it. i don't understand why it didn't work, why he didn't want to make it work. when he said he just didn't have time for me, i responded "if you were crazy about me, you would make time". he hesitatingly agreed. so why wasn't he crazy about me?

and this is where i am right now. i am constantly assured by everyone i know that i am a catch. i am independent, fun, pretty enough, smart, i score low on the crazy scale...so why? why have none of these men thought me good enough to fall for?