what comes first?

the chicken or the panic?

i've always prided myself in being a tough cookie. i have persevered through childhood traumas, my parents divorcing, being a teenager. first loves, first heartbreaks. big plans that didn't turn out the way i thought and big moves that left me coming home with my tail between my legs. not to mention everything else.

things that scare most people, don't seem to scare me. i'm not afraid of starting new jobs or moving across the country. when i know it's time to break up with someone and start over, it doesn't take me long to ensure that happens, while i watch people i love stay with partners they haven't loved for years. i can speak my mind and stand up for myself; confrontation comes easily to me. i make friends easily, get hired easily, and meet/date/fuck boys easily too.

when i meet someone i really like, as i have recently, i am not afraid to dive in. it doesn't even occur to me that my pace is unrealistic or that i may not get my way. sure i have the same insecurities as anyone else, but i just don't see the point in holding back.

within days of meeting this one, there is an intimacy beyond anything i've experienced before. to be honest, the closest comparison is when i meet a woman i know i will be friends with for life. but here, i also want to kiss the lips off his face and tear his clothes off. plus he loves all the same music as me and we talk about really amazing stuff. he thinks i'm fascinating and i think he's lovely.

when he confronted me with, really, some pretty rational fears and concerns, i panicked. it brought me crashing back to a reality i wasn't prepared for. at the same time, all i could think was "really? stupid, this is so simple! just relax, let this happen, it's amazing!". alas. the average person doesn't think like me. and while i can truly say he is not average...he's not me. and i would never claim to be better than anyone, but i feel very lucky that those hang-ups and mental blocks never happen to me. i even said, "what's the worst that can happen, you can break my heart. so?"

the thing is, most people would literally do anything to prevent their heart from being broken. and i get it, i guess...but...for your heart to be broken it means it was fully open. you got to feel everything and really love someone and let yourself be loved and open to things you cannot possibly foresee. and i know THAT'S what is scary. not knowing how something is going to turn out. but isn't it pretty exciting too?

i have no idea what's gonna happen with this super lovely, super sensitive, special man. but i'm definitely not gonna chicken out now, and not find out.