you've been lyin' when you should'a' been truthin'

i feel like a fraud. i have sat here, and in coffee shops and restaurants and bars, touting the same thing. projecting bravery when i feel nothing but fear. impulsiveness when i stand paralyzed, unable to move.

i thought that i was strong enough. i figured that since the weight of my past didn't seem so heavy anymore, i was ready to move on and look toward the future. but my future appears to be in front of me, my options are limitless, and yet here i sit, frozen in anxiety, unable to imagine a reality that isn't this.

someone has fallen in love with me. someone has figured me out, has seen me as me. i have never tried to seduce him, never hidden who i am from him...and there he is, overcoming his own serious baggage, to love me.

i have a job i can rely on. there are shitty politics and money isn't always great. but usually it is, and the people i work with are amazing. indeed, it is the best job i have ever had.

my family loves me, only wants me to be happy, and supports whatever i do even when they don't understand. i am finally building a relationship with a sister i've never felt close to.

so now i want to run. and not with the man, though he has expressed interest in going with me. i want to run away alone, even though i hate being alone (because i hate being alone???). i want to throw away everything i have worked for and want to sit on a beach and feel sorry for myself while sipping a pina colada.

nothing inspires me. i have no dream. no vision. any aspirations---career, family---are fleeting and forced.

i have all of the materials to create a masterpiece of a life, and I.CAN'T.DO.IT.