words spoken by a new friend. and that's a compliment, right? i should feel warm, and fuzzy?
i didn't. and i don't. it made tears spring to my eyes and i feel defensive and used. my need for everyone around me to be happy has been affecting my own chance of that achievement.
a week ago, when i was responding to a verbal slap on my face from the "man" i was falling for, i found myself wanting to comfort him. all i could think of was that he must be feeling so terrible for saying what he was saying when he was saying it. and i didn't want him to realize i was as hurt as i was, so i smoothed over the situation and assured him i was ok. and why?! he was saying ridiculous things as i lay drunk and naked in his bed. tears streamed down my face as i lied and said i "didn't know what i wanted" from him, that i was "just having fun hanging out too".
i've always been this way. so determined to seem strong that i end up full-on lying. it always comes out, the hurt and anger i am feeling---although rarely directed at the person who deserves it.
in the last 3 weeks, i have been crying in public almost every day. it's not just this guy---there is SO MUCH more than that---but it's become abundantly clear that i have not processed my pain and anger from the last---oh, we'll say 3 years. given the opportunity, i can barely even speak about it. after a few drinks, well. that's a different story. and acquaintances wind up with the heavy load that is my baggage.
i know i'm not the only one going through a lot. i'm surrounded by people going through full blown crises. but i watch them go through the motions of life, and try to see how they're dealing with it all without crying at a bar after too much jameson, or comforting the asshole who just broke their heart. it's not that they're doing better than me---it's just that it seems like they are.
but even now, i don't know how i could yell at rob. or lawrence. or kyle. or my dad. i would start and then guilt and shame would wash over me and i would start to backtrack. declare i was overreacting, must be exhaustion/insecurity/pms...not them. no no, never them. it couldn't possibly be that they were flat out treating me like shit and i had the nerve to call them out on it. or that they lied to me and i want to know why. or that they single handedly broke me in half. or that they shouldn't treat the next one like this.
but really, all i want to say to any of them, or my girlfriends that have let me down, or to my bosses that have destroyed my professional spirit, or the monster that murdered my family friend, is:
please please please. don't break my heart.
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