dad

it seems impossible to write about the men that have affected me and not write about the very first one.

obviously this is different. but having just seen this man, helpless and sick in a devastatingly depressing nursing home, with mixed emotions i can't even begin to list, i realized this is perhaps the most important one of all.

dad is and has always been dynamic. my charisma; my charm; my open book, no hold barred attitude, is all him. even laying in that bed, unable to move or even really sit up, he captivated my sisters and i. it is always, and has always been, all about him.

when i think about him, i think of promises. all of the promises he made, from a car at 16 to his support throughout my life, to barbies as a child. one of ten were met. most were forgotten about---by him---only to be replaced with new ones that would meet the same fate.

i also always get this unnerving and mostly unfounded feeling of inappropriate behaviour on his part toward me. the only tangible thing i can remember was when i was about 12. he began introducing me to his employees (he was a general contractor at the time), always making sure to note how "hot" or "gorgeous" i was. i'm sure other adjectives were used. being an awkward preteen, at the time i ate it up, although always with some trepidation. these poor men, aged 20 at the youngest, were of course forced to agree with him.

i was an excellent student, socially adept, well read, a budding writer...none of this was ever mentioned. it seems too simple, to say, "my attitude toward my sexuality was clearly coloured by this behaviour", and yet clearly that's true. i have never thought of myself as the pretty girl in the room, instead relying on my humour, wit, and innate comfort in social situations. but i also have always required that i be desired. to that end, i suppose i depended on being sexy, or sensual. hey, even the homeliest girl in the room can get laid if she puts it out there, right?

my dad left when i was 13. he informed me of his impending absence before he even told my mom. nice, right? i tried so hard to continue to allow him in my life, desperate to cling to this idea that my dad still loved me (obviously true) and that i was still, and would forever be, a priority to him (less true). in fact, at 23, i went to stay with him back in l.a., attempting to salvage a relationship, leaving with a final statement from him that would change our relationship: "you and your sister aren't my responsibility".

i couldn't say how exactly my relationship with dad has affected my relationship with boys/guys/men in my life. perhaps my opinion isn't very high of the gender in general, but i think that has more to do with actual life experience. i am definitely boy crazy; my troubled father-daughter relationship certainly hasn't scared me off men in general.

i have several very lovely male friends who i consider "bests". their advice for me is always to slow down, play it cool, don't sleep with them too soon, etc. I am compulsively incapable of any of those things. i suspect the shaky foundation beneath my father and my relationship makes me want to know, constantly, where i stand with men. do you actually like me or are you just screwing around? do you see a future at all with me? would you be a good father and do you think i'd make a good mother? does your last name go with my first? do you think i'm beautiful? do you think i'm smart?

these are questions i undoubtably ask way, way too soon. and who can blame me, as i remain, and will always remain, full of questions for my father.