well, tough. apparently he has borderline personality disorder and i no longer have to be brainwashed by that bullshit.
i have needs---everyone does. water, food, shelter, warmth...then there's a step up from that---family, career fulfillment, interests, hobbies.
let's pretend that all (or at least a whole bunch) of those have been met: i have a great job that allows financial security and freedom to travel. my friends and family are, in my biased opinion, the best fucking people on the planet. i never go hungry, i can afford rent and new winter boots.
and everyone has different priorities. i have friends who are desperate to marry and have kids, others who have no interest in those things. the number of home/condo owners i know increases by what feels like the day. RRSPs and 401Ks and investments are now discussed openly and seemly urgently. debt isn't laughed off as easily anymore.
my priority, for better or worse, my ENTIRE life, has been love. love of my life, my friends, my world, my interests, my job...and of course, as a straight woman, the love of a man.
i have certainly tasted this delicious treat. i have been lucky enough to have had men love me, who i have loved. i have loved when it wasn't returned, and in hindsight i am still so glad i got to experience love on any level.
i have always wondered why i lack the drive and ambition to carve out a professional life for myself. i grew up knowing that i had the smarts and faculties to accomplish anything i set my mind to. i've toyed with going to school, entering various other fields...but i never do it.
however, when it comes to love, man oh man do i go for it. as i have gotten older i have definitely become more cautious, but by comparison to those around me, i am an all-in, full on kind of girl. if i like you, i like you HARD. living a life without true love isn't even an option. i put a TON of energy toward finding the guy for me, and every time i have been knocked down, i pull myself up and keep going.
so what do i actually need? i have realized recently that a man having a job is pretty nice---not an issue even a few years ago. i love to laugh, and be social, and require someone with the comfort levels, social skills and sense of humour to match mine. sex is hugely important to me. and i have half-jokingly set up a list of "dealbreakers" to help me sift through the never-gonna-work-out dudes: 1) no consumption of rum & cokes (are you a 16 year old girl?); 2) you cannot be from sudbury (i have my reasons, and they are valid); 3) if the band slayer is in your top 5, i'm out (it has only proven to be a problem); 4) if the words "i never dance" comes out of your mouth, you are NOT the man for me (really, at our wedding, you won't DANCE with me?!?!).
i need you to be considerate. call/text when you say you will. assure me you prefer me on a sunday morning with my hair up and glasses on, but tell me how hot a look on a friday night. for the love of god, don't keep your hands to yourself. ever. kiss me---lots. make me laugh, let me cry. hold my hand. choose me over sleep, not all the time, just often. get to know my friends and let me get to know yours. cuddle me till we're both falling asleep and then give me some space. have your own life, but share it with me. read. get off the computer. put down the video game. don't keep your hands to yourself. ever.
i am learning how to date at 28, so i am open to all kinds of advice---from my ladies, from my boys, from strangers. "play it cool", "be yourself", "go get him", "let him call you first"; i've heard it all. i hate the idea of me and a 30-something man playing games instead of being ourselves. you're gonna get me eventually, you may as well know what you're in for!
it's obviously impossible to predict how things are going to go, but no matter what, i'm ready. because despite every lawrence, matt dickson, daddy issue and total freak-ass loser in between, i'd rather put myself out there and get a little beat up, if in the end, i am lucky enough to have love.
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