keep on running

"i need you to be considerate. call/text when you say you will. assure me you prefer me on a sunday morning with my hair up and glasses on, but tell me how hot a look on a friday night. for the love of god, don't keep your hands to yourself. ever. kiss me---lots. make me laugh, let me cry. hold my hand. choose me over sleep, not all the time, just often. get to know my friends and let me get to know yours. cuddle me till we're both falling asleep and then give me some space. have your own life, but share it with me. read. get off the computer. put down the video game. don't keep your hands to yourself. ever."

i wrote that a little while ago, re: what i need. and guess what? i think i've found it.

well, i haven't cried, yet...

i've met a man. a MAN. he's amazing. by no means perfect in any way, but amazing. a few weeks ago, as i walked to work with my mum, i recounted my adventures in dating to her. she congratulated me for putting myself out there, for trying. i "harumph"ed and swore to take a bit of a break. i was exhausted in every way. after a summer of trying on every kind of guy, every type of "dating", every sort of approach, i was DONE. hell, i AM done. i dated kyle for 2 months, trying on the "cool easy going girl who doesn't ask for much therefore you should want to give it all to her" thing---fail. then i dated a couple guys at the same time: the actor douche and the ad exec i met at an afterhours---who, by the way, not only know each other but came in together after neither returning my last call---neither of which i slept with. nope. i went back to my roots for a bit and dated a kitchen boy dirtbag i met out late one night. he just asked for anal sex way too early and had the nerve to blow ME off. UGH. then i went on one date with a boy i actually picked up at my bar (not something i make a habit out of)---he was a socially awkward savant, i suspect. fail.

so that evening as i walked to work, i assured my mother i was taking a break from it all. i felt amazing throughout my shift, like a weight had been lifted. as we were closing the bar as quickly as possible to go downstairs and take advantage of the extended license, i got a text. it was from ryan, who i'd had a massive crush on in the spring but had gotten over. could i get he and some friends in? of course.

one of his friends is the man. i met him that night (although apparently i have met him several times in the past) and have been a goner ever since. he's interesting and mellow, with a super sexy record collection and the strongest lips i've kissed in i-don't-know-how-long. he's considerate and kind. he listens and remembers everything i say---which has made me more aware of what i say, something i do need to learn. there is an intimacy and comfort between us, and yet he keeps me on my toes. ugh, i'm just crazy about him.

and i am trying to focus on that. not get caught up in all the nuttiness that happens in my head when i like someone. i'm trying not to put too much on the poor guy. or assume the worst when certain things aren't how i expect. he's a man, finally. and i'm learning how to be a woman.

and the sky is gray

i've always had a hard time disguising my feelings. for better or worse, what you see is what you get in terms of how i feel about you, the situation i'm in, my mood...and for even better or even worse, it will probably have an effect on you.

at work, i've been instructed to take any steps possible to ensure my spirits are high. socially, the expectations are the same: people are used to me laughing, dancing, joking, smiling...i always have a bite to me, but generally i'm a happy girl.

on days like today, where my energy is low and my mood even lower, i find i end up feeling profoundly guilty. how dare i drag down my friends or coworkers because, essentially, "i don't wanna"?! and yet it pulls me down like quicksand. i can feel the metaphorical dark cloud settling above me and i see it i sense it i know it but POOF! too late and i'm done for.

it's one of my biggest flaws, and it affects every area of my life. i'm no angel, and i've had a fairly tough ride, but nothing holds me back more than my inability to essentially suck it up. maybe i haven't had it bad enough. the most consistently positive people i know seem to have the hardest luck. in fact i have three coworkers who's sparkle never fades, who always have a smile for me. and those three have had awful luck in so many areas of their lives. they're friends of mine, sure, but they treat everyone equally all of the time. it amazes me.

i focus so much on being positive and having good things happen. but when i have days like today, i feel like it's one step forward, 5 steps back. my impulsiveness seems careless. what i think of as decisiveness looks like forcefulness. everything i have worked so hard for seems like it could slip away.

it usually ends up ok, sometimes with an apology here and some backpeddling there (or just some time). if 70% of the time i am a pleasant and loving person, why can't i have some bad days? why do i immediately assume everything i love/worked for/accomplished is going to be taken away?

what comes first?

the chicken or the panic?

i've always prided myself in being a tough cookie. i have persevered through childhood traumas, my parents divorcing, being a teenager. first loves, first heartbreaks. big plans that didn't turn out the way i thought and big moves that left me coming home with my tail between my legs. not to mention everything else.

things that scare most people, don't seem to scare me. i'm not afraid of starting new jobs or moving across the country. when i know it's time to break up with someone and start over, it doesn't take me long to ensure that happens, while i watch people i love stay with partners they haven't loved for years. i can speak my mind and stand up for myself; confrontation comes easily to me. i make friends easily, get hired easily, and meet/date/fuck boys easily too.

when i meet someone i really like, as i have recently, i am not afraid to dive in. it doesn't even occur to me that my pace is unrealistic or that i may not get my way. sure i have the same insecurities as anyone else, but i just don't see the point in holding back.

within days of meeting this one, there is an intimacy beyond anything i've experienced before. to be honest, the closest comparison is when i meet a woman i know i will be friends with for life. but here, i also want to kiss the lips off his face and tear his clothes off. plus he loves all the same music as me and we talk about really amazing stuff. he thinks i'm fascinating and i think he's lovely.

when he confronted me with, really, some pretty rational fears and concerns, i panicked. it brought me crashing back to a reality i wasn't prepared for. at the same time, all i could think was "really? stupid, this is so simple! just relax, let this happen, it's amazing!". alas. the average person doesn't think like me. and while i can truly say he is not average...he's not me. and i would never claim to be better than anyone, but i feel very lucky that those hang-ups and mental blocks never happen to me. i even said, "what's the worst that can happen, you can break my heart. so?"

the thing is, most people would literally do anything to prevent their heart from being broken. and i get it, i guess...but...for your heart to be broken it means it was fully open. you got to feel everything and really love someone and let yourself be loved and open to things you cannot possibly foresee. and i know THAT'S what is scary. not knowing how something is going to turn out. but isn't it pretty exciting too?

i have no idea what's gonna happen with this super lovely, super sensitive, special man. but i'm definitely not gonna chicken out now, and not find out.