and the sky is gray

i've always had a hard time disguising my feelings. for better or worse, what you see is what you get in terms of how i feel about you, the situation i'm in, my mood...and for even better or even worse, it will probably have an effect on you.

at work, i've been instructed to take any steps possible to ensure my spirits are high. socially, the expectations are the same: people are used to me laughing, dancing, joking, smiling...i always have a bite to me, but generally i'm a happy girl.

on days like today, where my energy is low and my mood even lower, i find i end up feeling profoundly guilty. how dare i drag down my friends or coworkers because, essentially, "i don't wanna"?! and yet it pulls me down like quicksand. i can feel the metaphorical dark cloud settling above me and i see it i sense it i know it but POOF! too late and i'm done for.

it's one of my biggest flaws, and it affects every area of my life. i'm no angel, and i've had a fairly tough ride, but nothing holds me back more than my inability to essentially suck it up. maybe i haven't had it bad enough. the most consistently positive people i know seem to have the hardest luck. in fact i have three coworkers who's sparkle never fades, who always have a smile for me. and those three have had awful luck in so many areas of their lives. they're friends of mine, sure, but they treat everyone equally all of the time. it amazes me.

i focus so much on being positive and having good things happen. but when i have days like today, i feel like it's one step forward, 5 steps back. my impulsiveness seems careless. what i think of as decisiveness looks like forcefulness. everything i have worked so hard for seems like it could slip away.

it usually ends up ok, sometimes with an apology here and some backpeddling there (or just some time). if 70% of the time i am a pleasant and loving person, why can't i have some bad days? why do i immediately assume everything i love/worked for/accomplished is going to be taken away?